What I Cannot Say

I am on the verge of tears and I am berating myself because I have written in another blog that if there was one thing that I would not like to read on another person's blog, it would be about their pain. And here I am preparing to tell you how much pain and how much pressure I am in right now. I hate to do this, but I guess there is simply no other way.

I have a boyfriend whom, for the sake of anonymity, we will call Center. It fits appropriately because, whether it is to my benefit or not, when we got together, and lived together, he became nothing less but the center of my life. I had my work, my self and my family to think of, but nonetheless, I would think of him first before everything and everyone else, including me. I know this is not a very good set up, but what else can I do? I know no one here whom I can really talk to, so it was either him or no one. I chose him.

I do have a few gripes about Center. He's a lot older than me, and by that I thought a lot wiser. But to some extent I was wrong to assume that. He is the essence of Peter Pan, he has stopped maturing and changing his perspective and I feel, that right now, I am stuck with a person who is quite self indulgent. Since I got here, I was the one working, and I was the one taking care of the rent when we were renting, and up to now, I still carry the bulk of the expenses, food, utilities and others. He does not have a job, and seems to have so many reasons why he cannot start finding one. But I tolerate this, although I have gone up to the point of cajoling him to apply for a job, and I have resigned myself to thinking that when the time comes that he's feeling right, he will come forward and start looking a job for himself.

But if there is one thing that really hurts me the most is when Center seems to not appreciate me. He is quick to appreciate other people, from their looks and their jobs and a myriad other things, but he does not seem to be the same for me. He is always, on the other hand, quick to say negative things about me, like "Ang arte mo" or "Naman!" I know that I am not perfect and I am perhaps less than the other girls that he often compliments online, but I just want to feel that I am a bit special myself. Is it so much to ask that he calls me cute or pretty as well? Is it too much to ask for him to say that I'm great too? I guess I'm just tired of telling myself all these compliments and I want to hear it from someone else. Is it to much to ask for a little morale booster from someone who says that he loves me?

Because he never seems to give me any assurance, I am led to think that perhaps, with the right circumstances and the right person, he will just go and cheat on me. He certainly has done that before. Heck, I don't know. I just feel so insufficient right now. I feel so bad after finding several posts from him on other people's multiply account about how pretty and cute they are. I feel bad that we're together for the last two years and he never, from day one, ever told me that. I just feel bad that I can not seem to get the emotional and moral support I need from him, when he just gives it away to other people...other girls. Perhaps what's even sadder is that I end up feeling that I am not good enough and it affects my self esteem. And another sad fact is that I know that he will not change. That I can confront him over and over again about this habit of his and I know that after a few weeks he will be at it again.

I hope someone, something can help me. I am in so much pain.