What if I were a Mom?

Oh, boy, this one is tough. But I really do want to have a baby someday. I'm thinking maybe it's kinda cool to be a single parent, which is what I probably will end up being. You know, no other people telling you what to do, how to raise your child. No husband to take care of (who doesn't really want to have a baby in the first place). Just you, and that little tiny being so little and dependent on you for love, attention and support. Of course, having babies are financially tough. But hey, it's just what if.
How happy it will be to have someone who will finally soak in my love and give it back in return. It just seems so fulfilling to see a mother and child share a deep connection. I'm kinda longing for that kind of connection.
Allan and I kinda talked about children. We talked about baby names. We talked about having babies...but not really with each other, you understand. Just talking about children in general.
Rai asked me how I'd feel if I were pregnant. I was taken aback, really. Because I wasn't sure how I'd feel. I'd panic maybe. I wouldn't know how to deal with it.
Jeez. This entry is hard.

What if I Became a Teacher?

What if I became a teacher?

To tell you the truth, I considered being a teacher when I was entering college. I actually went over my options on the very last day of enrollment, when I always thought that I was a sold-out MassCom enthusiast. I finally went for MassCom, loved Masscom and eventually hated MassCom, but finally enjoyed something that became a blown passion. I dismissed the desire for being a teacher by telling myself I considered it the way I considered nursing because of the cute uniforms. Hey, that's just me.

Now I'm thinking, what if I became a teacher?

I think I would be a love-me-or-hate-me type. I would allow cheating. Just don't get caught. That way, I don't have to stress myself over academic honesty, and at the same time, I get to develop in my students some form of conscience.

I would most probably teach creative writing (only because I love the subject). And I would most probably not grade papers with grammatical errors (errors, not slips). I would incorporate with styles and structures the many experiences that they have in life. I would let my students choose what to write, and grade them not based on how they level up with others, but how they have improved from the last time.

I would most probably be absent often. Darn me, but old habits are hard to break. :D

Hmm. Maybe I should stick to being a writer.

That Man in Rated K

Yesterday I was watching Rated K and I came upon the capsule about that man who lost his wife to kidney complications. I found that section quite sad, depressing. The way it was presented was very lingering, especially when they were reenacting the scenes when husband, Roy brought her to watch the sunset in Manila Bay on their last anniversary.
How tough it must be for him to go through that. I can only hope that it'll not happen to me.
So the next step, naturally was to check the blog. Check it here. It was the blog of a very desperately sad man. You could feel in it's grammatically imperfect entries how hard it is to cope with losing someone so integral, so central, in a family's life. I went tsk-tsk-tsk when I saw on one entry, a PS that said: "How I wish I was communicating to you this much when you were still here. I miss you Mama." I am not one to weep over such heart wrenching words, but they do find a place to hit in my heart.
I can do nothing but to pray that everything will be better for them.

Why So Serious?

Many times, I would get depressed, you know, struggling to finish college, struggling to make my relationship with my boyfriend work. Wanting to keep my job and move up the ladder so I may earn more and get more of the things I want to have in my life. Of course I have my demons to conquer, my deep, dark secrets to keep, but I manage to be happy. Spread the happiness, so to speak. In the turn of experiences that happened to my life, I learned foremost that Not-Thinking-It's-That-Bad and just saying "Hay, Whatever" works pretty damned well.

A favorite pick-me-upper has always been what I call rant blogging or happy blogging. Now, rant blogging, from the word itself is ranting it all out. Churning the keyboard and punching the letters to form the thoughts that are ravaging in my head. I do this when I'm frustrated at that he-bitch who stepped on me and didn't say sorry, or when my boyfriend is being the bullhead that he sometimes can become. My RS teacher once said, that the fingers are actually exit points for emotions, just like our eyes (tear ducts, for obvious reasons) and our mouths through the words we speak. So energy actually drains out from our fingers. Take a can of water to water the plants while you're angry or frustrated, and watch them wither. It's a fact. After the rant blog I feel relaxed, and the frustrations go away. That easy.

Another type, happy blogging, is blogging about happy things, maybe from the lifestyle section of the paper, about new things, funny things that happened that day. Sometimes, I put out all my sarcasm there. It helps a lot with heartbreak. When we fight, or have some arguments, I pack up to Starbucks (free wi-fi) get a pamper-me-up Hot Choco Venti and a cinnamon roll and blog away about something I read in the magazines available in the cafe.

When I'm poor, I get my fix by going to the plaza, just to get out of the house or the office and take a breath of fresh air and say "Hay, Whatever!"

The important thing I guess, is to keep thinking: "This will not be something that will stress me!" Stressful things are those that we allow to get past the No Stress barrier. Keep them away, or atleast, if you wanna manage them, never forget YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND. When things are getting stinky, or hurtful, your mind will wallow in it. So do something to trick your mind out of it. Think positive, think nice, cool, sarcastic, funny things to put you back on the right mood, and the right disposition.

I dedicate this to MR. To my other friends as well, but especially to MR, who sounds like she's almost going patooties (in her blog). Read back on all those entries, dear. Don't allow that misery to get the best of you. You're smart, talented and young. ALWAYS remember that.

And try the blogging.

Glazed

I hail a cab, blinking "On Call"
Then I realize that I was alone,
I was nearer to boredom now than ever before
Like a little doll outgrown by who used to be a little girl

I'm Neglecting

I don't work on this blog too much. I tried to like it, but the site is simply blogs-only that I don't really like it that much. I'm neglecting this little piece of cyber suburbia that I put my stakes on.

I feel like a glutton na tuloy.

So I promise to post stuff here as much as possible, maybe twice weekly. This blog will purely be my non-kikay blog, as opposed to my multiply blog where I put all the pseudo stupid things I do everyday.

I promise to keep you up to date my blogger blog. Sorry I'm neglecting.

20 is no Different from 20

Yep, tomorrow, actually just a few moments from now I'll be turning 21. I'm trying to think of things that changed about me and I came down with quite a number. Sure, I became independent and I'm now working, I've learned the value of hardwork and have realized just how fulfilling it is to receive money that I have really worked for.

I have learned that even if I always follow my heart, there is a reason why my head is fashioned to be on the topmost part of my body. That all things that will have a great impact in my life need to be carefully thought over.

I have learned that even the smallest step can change my life in ways I can never imagine. I have seen many things, done many mistakes, kept many good memories. But I have learned that not all my experiences I need to tell other people. That not everyone will want to listen and that sometimes baring my all is not the way to go.

I have learned that keeping my life an open book is not always good. And that those who say that they are open books say everything that is really nothing of what is everything. They hide more than you think.

I have learned to trust people, to understand them, to give them a break. But I only do so once.

I have learned that anger will do no good, that diplomacy is the best way to go.

I have learned that my thoughts are more powerful than anyone's word. That nothing really matters as long as I have done right. That although the presence of a God will help, His presence is not necessary to determine what should be done at any given circumstance.

I have determined that Body Shop is my best friend.

I have not lost myself in the melange we all call "Real Life". That I am still who I was, only better, maybe a bit wiser.

I have learned that mistakes are not wrong.

I have learned that reinventing myself will take time, but it feeds my spirit to build myself to something better, something stronger for what may come in the future. I may not be as dramatic as other people, but I know that when I look at myself in the mirror I can with no regrets or doubts say:"That is the Emillene Jean Torres I want to become, but I can be better than that woman in the mirror."

So hello, Midnight, hello. My name is Ems, and I just turned Twenty-One.